All in all the procrastination decreases. But I need to work more on my PhD-thesis.
I analyzed that Diva is following an avoidance tactic towards me. She is ambivalent. On the one hand she likes to have a man like me, but on the other hand she likes the easyness of her recent life.
I will try to help her increasing her willpower for a full decesion about me.


blue.surfer

My soliloquies conerning right now an e-mail that I wrote to that collegue who accused me being not nice to my ex-grirlfriend. I wrote this e-mail on last Friday and I didn't express me sincerely. He wrote me an e-mail with personal statements and I just replied in a very correct way.But I need to get rid of anything that concerns my ex-girlfriend. He made hisself a part of the pain. I know, I can't explain me this, because I would loose my face.
I will meet him in the next week. I assume that he will go on like business as usual. He won't talk to me. Even he would try, I wouldn't know what to change. The positions are too far away. He trusts her lies and that's it.

I am having a success! I worked 3 hours on PhD-thesis yesterday.
I tell you: Willpower is a muscle, you can train it! :)

Today I am writing an e-mail to Diva, there I need to describe the future. She declared, that she is not willing to move to my place right now. But in her last e-mail are angst and hope.


blue.surfer

The world is turning and i don't stand still. There are news from Diva and a sucess from my procrastination research has been, that daily blogging with my form of business is procrastination.
At work I can't be no longer nice to my collegues, who belong to the hemisphere of my ex-girlfriend. It's time to change my job.

I am working on PhD-thesis every second day at least for 45 minutes. This is a success. I receive my motivation from seeing my alternatives. The alternative of not working means staying longer in the enviroment of my ex-girlfriend. She still doesn't accept the consequences that she has betrayed and left me.

It seems to be that Diva has absolutly no clue about her social phobia. Recently I am not sure how to explain her my personal unprofessional diagnosis. I will try a meta-communicative way.



Stay on your feeds

blue.surfer

Towards Diva I open up somehow. That's why I feel weak.I want her!

What shall I do, when she doesn't appreciate my opening?
What shall I do, when she doesn't want me?


The questioning

blue.surfer

Today, I liketo do a view on my relation to Diva.
It's clear for me, that I became emotionally dependend on her. She is allready having power over me, she is my hope for a bright and beautiful future. But I need to stop dreaming.
I try to step as much forward to her as I feel I can afford it. I don't want get burned so much anymore like with my ex-girlfriend.

The affords, she is doing, is writing me back after 2. There are no more chats, there is no telephoning at all. I know she is busy with her mother, but I can't see that she also likes to have more.

The plan of visiting me was created during a chat. She made a statement which implied the condition that she is present at my place. I told her that she also expressed that she like to visit me. Did I force her to visit me, then?
A small detail is also there from the end April. I deleted my account at the dating portal where we met. She didn't copy the fotos from my profile to her harddisk. So, she had no more view to me. I asked her, if she owns a copy of my photos some weeks after the deletion of my profile. Why she accepted so easily to have no photos of me?

I email her my postal adress with the reason that she knows a little more by satellite photos in what kind of quarter I live. I also would like to know more about her quarter ... ... ,but I didn't ask directly for her postal adress, because I feared this question might be to personal.
I will ask her for that in my next mail.


blue.surfer

Coming to someone close is a risk, because one might be pushed away. I can feel this risk concerning Diva. But the win can be so high that I like to take this risk.
I am feeling that I am weaker than her. I bear more in emotions in me.


The emotional blue.surfer

P.S.
Writing of the thesis progresses, anti-procrastion-tactics work somehow.
In my soliloquies I explain my ex-girlfriend that she an unacceptable destroying desastrous person.

Initiative!?!Initiative is very complicated matter when a man meets a woman. If the man stays the only acting person in the beginning of a relationship, then he will keep it for the rest of the time with this woman. This means, he needs to do a lot of affords to make sure that she stays on his way.
I am looking for a more cooperative relationship.
Right now I am thinking about what the initiative for actions of Diva might activate or passivate. I am used to built up relationships where I am in the initiative most times, but I like to change this.

My dream is that she becomes my wife and keeps up her free will.


blue.surfer

When you feel guilty about that you do too much non-work stuff while work time, i have cool stuff for you.
Enjoy and be happy with your results

blue.surfer

Diva has cancelled out meeting at my place.
I exptected this allready for a few weeks.

blue.surfer

It's clear. I have a tendency to procrastination. But the origin of procrastinating the finish of my thesis is my ex-girlfriend. It's my job to write this thesis. That's what I am, so I will do it.
The circle is closed.

blue.surfer